Lonely and Lovely™️
It's been quite a while since I have posted on here. I don't really use this blog, I don't plan on using it much now either. But the last time I posted was 2015, and my life has been through a whirlwind since then.
But besides that, I've been journaling a lot recently. I've been using it as a way to organize my thoughts, especially on big events in my life. For the most part, I don't feel like sharing any of it with the world. But as of today, I wrote a couple things that I think needs to be shared. Whether anyone listens, or not. Some to be edited out for personal reasons as of course.
I've hit a stage in my life this year. A stage in my life that I've titled 'Lonely and Lovely™️'. I wanna expand on it a little bit.
Recently, I did something for me.
I did something heartbreaking.
I did something I hated. Something I never wanted to do.
But recently, I took one step toward figuring my life out.
On Sunday, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost two months. Through a mess of little sleep, I remember sobbing like a baby at church as my friend Ryan held me, and I called up my friend Kimmy who came right to my aid after hearing what I did.
I broke up with my boyfriend and it was one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. I broke his heart, and I broke mine as well.
I am still struggling with whether I did the right thing for me or not. I broke up with someone I still have feelings for, because against everything in me, it felt like the right thing to do. It felt like the right thing to do because relationships are not easy, and I am drowning in my own issues. I struggle with my friendships, I battle my depression, I am working on applying for college, and finding out who I am and who I want to be.
Right now, I am at a very personal place in my life. I feel as if letting someone close (as I would need in a relationship) would be to jeopardize the process.
When I met the boy I was dating, I was so lonely, so hurt, and so vulnerable, that I fell in love with the idea of loving him. I gave myself no time to actually get feelings, I forced them all to appear at the moment. This is not to say that I went through the entire relationship on fake feelings. But when the relationship began, I was in love with being in love. Because falling in love with him would have been easy. It would have been so freakin' easy because he's kind, and lovely, and cares for me more than anyone. I had every reason to fall in love with him. I should have been in love with him, I wanted to be in love with him, but at the time I wasn't. And that's okay! I'm 17! It's okay to be hurt, fall in love and out of love! It's okay to not have 'the one' in my life yet!
Maybe everyone else in my life is in love, maybe they are all dating someone and maybe that someone is the person they're going to marry. And maybe I haven't met that person yet, or maybe I have... But it doesn't even matter. Because right now, what I need isn't to meet someone else and fall in love, or get a boyfriend and start another relationship. What I need is to focus on me, love me, without worrying about someone else or having someone else help me. I need to be lonely and lovely.
I think there's a lot of things God wants me to figure out and do before this year ends. I think I need to get through this, being the only one in my friend group that is single, in order to do that.
I think I have reached the beginning of something great. I think this is what 2015 me meant when she wrote the ending of Bellamy's story. She was entering senior year as well. I was writing out what I needed to do two years in advance without even knowing it.
I think choosing to be single was the bravest thing I could have done, and definitely one of the hardest. Like I said before, it should have been easy to be in love and be happy. But something just didn't feel right. No matter how hard I tried to shake it, it was there in the back of my mind that this isn't what I needed. He was the worlds greatest boyfriend, he treated me like a queen, spent every second of his time making me feel loved and appreciated. He was there for me when no one else was, he taught me self love when I didn't want it, and protected me whenever he could. He was the best boyfriend but I couldn't be the best girlfriend.
The words of '7' by Catfish And The Bottlemen come to mind. "I love you but I need another year alone." I direct it to everyone in general. I need at least a year to come to terms with who I am. And that's okay.
Besides my boyfriend at the time, I have really had no one as of lately. Ever since school started, I've only really had him. When I got good or bad news, I went to him. Now that it's over, I have no one. Which made breaking up with him even more of a risk.
I have my best friend, I always will, but she has her boyfriend, and she can say all she wants that it doesn't make a difference, but the truth is, it does. She is in a relationship, which means she has someone that she is very close to, most vulnerable. At the end of the day, I can be closer to her, and more vulnerable to her than anyone, but she will never be the most vulnerable to me.
Which brings me back to what I was saying about being alone. The only person I had, I lost. It's sad, it's difficult, but I think it's what I needed. To do things for me, by myself.
I quite recently got a job. At Marino's Which means the hours that I don't spend at school, theater, or figuring out college, will now be spent working. It means more time than ever, alone.
I know I'm talking about all of this, and it might sound like I mean it all negatively, but I don't. I am doing all of these things on my own. And it's rough, but I do enjoy it.
I had a job this summer and it felt amazing! I bought my own groceries, I got my own transportation, cashed my own checks, bought my own clothes, made my own doctor appointments, and even began to take charge of my own mental health! Do you know how incredible that feels? I went out and found myself a therapist. Because after 10 years, I chose to take care of my mental health.
I did all of these things on my own and it felt fantastic! I'm independent. I am working on doing my own stuff.
Now, I realize not all nights I will be this optimistic. Not all times will I say I am lonely and lovely under good connotations. Sometimes I'm just going to feel lonely. And that's okay. Because just because I am independent and working on me, doesn't mean I don't ask for help. Some days I am going to be so so so lonely, and I will miss the comfort of a relationship, something I can run to when I am upset. And that too, is okay. Not all days are going to be easy, not all days will I love being single. Some days I might be doing great and I will be happy and free and I will think I'll never feel lonely again. And then I will see Kimmy and Omar, or Dina and Joey, or my brother and his girlfriend. I will see them so happy and in a relationship, having that constant support of a significant other, that partner in crime, and my happiness will seem so fake. My happiness, that is supported by nothing but me, and the friends I have, and the job I love, will feel like a fraud because I do not have 'that person' to share it with. But it's then that I have to remember that my happiness is just as valid as theirs. They are no more happy than I am because they are in a relationship, and I am no ore happy than they are because I'm single. Because no relationship, or lack of relationship, is the source of my happiness. I am the source of my happiness.
This is just the beginning for me. This year has been an adventure for me, and it's nowhere near done. I have so much to accomplish this school year. This is going to push me to my limit, with college, work, friends, school, theater, and God. But I am going to learn so much. I am going to become someone who I want to be. My hair cut and new glasses were just a start. I have so much more to come.
So this is where I begin my journey, of being lonely and lovely and okay with all of it. I don't expect any of it to be easy, but for once in my life, where I am feels right. What I am doing, feels right. Maybe it isn't right. Maybe all the decisions I have made up until this moment were wrong and I will only begin to regret it. But that's just part of me figuring out who I am. So I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
But besides that, I've been journaling a lot recently. I've been using it as a way to organize my thoughts, especially on big events in my life. For the most part, I don't feel like sharing any of it with the world. But as of today, I wrote a couple things that I think needs to be shared. Whether anyone listens, or not. Some to be edited out for personal reasons as of course.
I've hit a stage in my life this year. A stage in my life that I've titled 'Lonely and Lovely™️'. I wanna expand on it a little bit.
Recently, I did something for me.
I did something heartbreaking.
I did something I hated. Something I never wanted to do.
But recently, I took one step toward figuring my life out.
On Sunday, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost two months. Through a mess of little sleep, I remember sobbing like a baby at church as my friend Ryan held me, and I called up my friend Kimmy who came right to my aid after hearing what I did.
I broke up with my boyfriend and it was one of the worst feelings I have ever felt. I broke his heart, and I broke mine as well.
I am still struggling with whether I did the right thing for me or not. I broke up with someone I still have feelings for, because against everything in me, it felt like the right thing to do. It felt like the right thing to do because relationships are not easy, and I am drowning in my own issues. I struggle with my friendships, I battle my depression, I am working on applying for college, and finding out who I am and who I want to be.
Right now, I am at a very personal place in my life. I feel as if letting someone close (as I would need in a relationship) would be to jeopardize the process.
When I met the boy I was dating, I was so lonely, so hurt, and so vulnerable, that I fell in love with the idea of loving him. I gave myself no time to actually get feelings, I forced them all to appear at the moment. This is not to say that I went through the entire relationship on fake feelings. But when the relationship began, I was in love with being in love. Because falling in love with him would have been easy. It would have been so freakin' easy because he's kind, and lovely, and cares for me more than anyone. I had every reason to fall in love with him. I should have been in love with him, I wanted to be in love with him, but at the time I wasn't. And that's okay! I'm 17! It's okay to be hurt, fall in love and out of love! It's okay to not have 'the one' in my life yet!
Maybe everyone else in my life is in love, maybe they are all dating someone and maybe that someone is the person they're going to marry. And maybe I haven't met that person yet, or maybe I have... But it doesn't even matter. Because right now, what I need isn't to meet someone else and fall in love, or get a boyfriend and start another relationship. What I need is to focus on me, love me, without worrying about someone else or having someone else help me. I need to be lonely and lovely.
I think there's a lot of things God wants me to figure out and do before this year ends. I think I need to get through this, being the only one in my friend group that is single, in order to do that.
I think I have reached the beginning of something great. I think this is what 2015 me meant when she wrote the ending of Bellamy's story. She was entering senior year as well. I was writing out what I needed to do two years in advance without even knowing it.
I think choosing to be single was the bravest thing I could have done, and definitely one of the hardest. Like I said before, it should have been easy to be in love and be happy. But something just didn't feel right. No matter how hard I tried to shake it, it was there in the back of my mind that this isn't what I needed. He was the worlds greatest boyfriend, he treated me like a queen, spent every second of his time making me feel loved and appreciated. He was there for me when no one else was, he taught me self love when I didn't want it, and protected me whenever he could. He was the best boyfriend but I couldn't be the best girlfriend.
The words of '7' by Catfish And The Bottlemen come to mind. "I love you but I need another year alone." I direct it to everyone in general. I need at least a year to come to terms with who I am. And that's okay.
Besides my boyfriend at the time, I have really had no one as of lately. Ever since school started, I've only really had him. When I got good or bad news, I went to him. Now that it's over, I have no one. Which made breaking up with him even more of a risk.
I have my best friend, I always will, but she has her boyfriend, and she can say all she wants that it doesn't make a difference, but the truth is, it does. She is in a relationship, which means she has someone that she is very close to, most vulnerable. At the end of the day, I can be closer to her, and more vulnerable to her than anyone, but she will never be the most vulnerable to me.
Which brings me back to what I was saying about being alone. The only person I had, I lost. It's sad, it's difficult, but I think it's what I needed. To do things for me, by myself.
I quite recently got a job. At Marino's Which means the hours that I don't spend at school, theater, or figuring out college, will now be spent working. It means more time than ever, alone.
I know I'm talking about all of this, and it might sound like I mean it all negatively, but I don't. I am doing all of these things on my own. And it's rough, but I do enjoy it.
I had a job this summer and it felt amazing! I bought my own groceries, I got my own transportation, cashed my own checks, bought my own clothes, made my own doctor appointments, and even began to take charge of my own mental health! Do you know how incredible that feels? I went out and found myself a therapist. Because after 10 years, I chose to take care of my mental health.
I did all of these things on my own and it felt fantastic! I'm independent. I am working on doing my own stuff.
Now, I realize not all nights I will be this optimistic. Not all times will I say I am lonely and lovely under good connotations. Sometimes I'm just going to feel lonely. And that's okay. Because just because I am independent and working on me, doesn't mean I don't ask for help. Some days I am going to be so so so lonely, and I will miss the comfort of a relationship, something I can run to when I am upset. And that too, is okay. Not all days are going to be easy, not all days will I love being single. Some days I might be doing great and I will be happy and free and I will think I'll never feel lonely again. And then I will see Kimmy and Omar, or Dina and Joey, or my brother and his girlfriend. I will see them so happy and in a relationship, having that constant support of a significant other, that partner in crime, and my happiness will seem so fake. My happiness, that is supported by nothing but me, and the friends I have, and the job I love, will feel like a fraud because I do not have 'that person' to share it with. But it's then that I have to remember that my happiness is just as valid as theirs. They are no more happy than I am because they are in a relationship, and I am no ore happy than they are because I'm single. Because no relationship, or lack of relationship, is the source of my happiness. I am the source of my happiness.
This is just the beginning for me. This year has been an adventure for me, and it's nowhere near done. I have so much to accomplish this school year. This is going to push me to my limit, with college, work, friends, school, theater, and God. But I am going to learn so much. I am going to become someone who I want to be. My hair cut and new glasses were just a start. I have so much more to come.
So this is where I begin my journey, of being lonely and lovely and okay with all of it. I don't expect any of it to be easy, but for once in my life, where I am feels right. What I am doing, feels right. Maybe it isn't right. Maybe all the decisions I have made up until this moment were wrong and I will only begin to regret it. But that's just part of me figuring out who I am. So I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
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